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I Will Never Be The Same

November 25, 2013

As a continuation of my thoughts in my last post.  I’ve pondered how all the varying things can change you as a person. Originally how experiences are much more rewarding than things, but what about everything else?   People, jobs, everything else that could possibly have a effect on our lives.  Well, the more I spin my wheels, the more I see that even the most insignificant choices will alter not only the rest of your life, but change who you are as a person.

I was having a conversation with a friend of mine and she brought up the “What If” scenario that was what would have happened if we both would’ve attended The University of Pittsburgh instead of Robert Morris?  So I tried to backtrack my life, ponder how 1 small difference in the decision tree would have affected later decisions I made down the road when it came to major and jobs.  Like touching your fingertip into a large, still pond.  Eventually, even the edges of the pond will shift ever so slightly.

This naturally plays into the question of what makes me, me?  Is it my DNA, my personality, my name?

No, it is none of those individually, but the summation of all of them and all of the decisions and experiences I have ever made or encountered, good or bad.  Even the absolutely smallest choice will affect me, even if they are not my own.  Let me show you a clip from one of my favorite movies, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, it can illustrate it far better than my words can.

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I think this clip is one of the most profound sequences in all of cinema, it displays the different variables and how they all contributed to an event of astronomical odds, that the simplest things can have the biggest impact.  Although, the purpose of this scene was to primarily show how so many things outside of our control affect us, I want to take that thought and run with it when it comes to things inside our control, our reactions.

Every conscious and even subconscious decision you make with anything will change you.  Perhaps not as much as a car accident, but subtly, it might be that pebble that changes the entire pond , being that first domino that ends up altering your character in the end.  2 months ago, at least looking back to two months ago, I don’t think there was that much of a difference between who I was then and who I am now.  However, when I go back and read some tweets, some private things that I wrote I notice that I’m already a drastically different person.

This invokes dread in some people, some people feel helpless when faced with this type of reality.  It may cause them to obsess over the littlest things, causing them to delay anything that hasn’t been thought out thoroughly.  In some cases, pushing them to run away from any difficult issue in their life.  But that shouldn’t be the response, that response will only cause them to miss out on potential opportunities, defaulting them to worst possible decision.  The lazy decision, rarely ever ends up being the best decision.

So someone might ask me, “Logan, all things considered, how does this affect your decisions now that it seems like the weight of everything increased substantially?”.

Me?  I find myself being (or at least in my own opinion, trying to be) a much more genuine person.  I don’t have the time, nor the inclination to put up with other people’s dramatic façade.  It’s all just a big freaking game, wearing venetian masks, prancing around, keeping your head above the water while you get nothing in return.  I’m much more conscience of the things that I used to do unintentionally, I used to go with the flow so willingly that I would allow myself to be drug along for a ride I never wanted to be a part of in the first place.   I’ve found myself not wasting as much time as I have in the past, however, taking that too far has it’s own consequences. I feel as if I’m just now pulling in the reins to the horses that guide the stagecoach of my life.  I used to let run anywhere they pleased, but that is changing.  There are people I’d prefer not to spend time with, so I wont.  There are other people that motivate me to move things around in my life to see them, so I will.  I’m finding myself being much more intentional as a person, but that is a catch-22, because I have to own up to my mistakes that much more, but in the end, I’m fine with that.  If I am faced with a decision, I think much more about the full, potentially life altering implications than I used to.  Some may get overwhelmed and become paranoid at that, but I feel like I was finally given a whole new array of paints to paint on my canvas that is my life.  Every time I look into the mirror, I look into my eyes and realize that I will never be the exact same as I am right now the next time I see myself in it again.

Hopefully, I haven’t driven you into a crisis of potentiality,actuality, and causality by reading this.  I only intend to shake the cage and rattle the passive and active things in our lives, or at the very least, I hope you enjoyed reading my own dialog.

Take care,

-Logan T. Miles


Photo is The Other Side of the Mirror by Nao Sakaki

November 26, 2013